Letter from Raye

Letter 4: The fascinating unknown.

I took some time away from writing, but after reading a letter from a friend it hit me how much I missed writing. During that break I discovered why I felt the need to write when I first started. I “needed” to write for what others would want to read. I also wanted to write so that important people in my life would be proud of how wise and thoughtful I was on this damn thing. That type of pressure I put on myself was suffocating. The irony of what I was feeling is that I am wise and thoughtful, and I don’t have to prove that. Those people I was trying to impress are already proud of me. I’m proud of myself. So, here’s to writing without that pressure.

~

When I was younger, the life I thought I would have is almost completely different than what it is now. I never thought I would have the courage to move to a city. I couldn’t see the possibility of having the amount of friends and family I now have. I wasn’t even aware that a community space, like the one I have, even existed. I didn’t know how to trust myself or others.

A lot of the inner work I have done is about my child self. I have continued to heal the relationship between my present and child self. She knows she is valuable, loved, creative, fun, and so many other amazing things. But, most importantly she is completely safe with me.

Something I haven’t heard much about but am experiencing now, is healing my teenage self. I have been acknowledging a lot of things that were out of my control that I blamed myself for. I am taking accountability for the things I did have control of. I am giving a safe space for my teenage self to be fucking pissed about some of things that happened. I am sad that she didn’t feel like she could be herself. I was so insecure about myself that if I experienced anyone being authentic, I would feel threatened. I felt like a fraud and was terrified someone would figure that out. I mean shit, I was deep in the closet. I didn’t acknowledge I liked both men and women until I was 24. I didn’t know how to feel anything other than being happy, rageful, or numbness.

Now, I experience the duality of light and darkness when it comes to my past. I experience grace and love, while also feeling anger and unfairness. I allow myself to feel all the emotions on the spectrum, because there isn’t a bad or wrong emotion to feel. I have so much love and grace for myself and others. Myself and others were trying to figure it all out without tools and going through our own story and experiences. I’m angry at what was put on me, what was done, or what was said. Those were boundaries broken and expectations placed on me that I did not ask for.

I understand why I couldn’t fathom what was in store for me. I didn’t think that this life could exist outside of fictional stories. And, just like how younger me didn’t know what was going to happen, I now don’t really know what’s going to happen in my future. What I do know about my future is that I can trust myself. I can trust that I will surround myself with people who care for and love me. I will trust my intuition. I will never stop dreaming. I will continue to grow into my power and confidence.

And I’m fucking pumped to see what’s in store.

With love,

Raye Jonas